My day started today with a phone call. It was not a pleasant call. It was full of harsh words and things that were hard to hear. I tried to temper it with the knowledge that it was because someone was hurting or frustrated on the other end of the line, but there are still times when it is hard to hear what someone is saying to you. It hits at the deepest insecurities you have, it shows you that you haven’t addressed something you thought you had, it makes you question everything. It brings tears to your eyes.
This was not the way I was planning on starting my day. I wasn’t planning to still be thinking about it two hours later. I wasn’t planning to have the thoughts tumbling and crashing around in my mind that have been for the last two hours. But here they are.
What am I doing? Where am I going? Why do I subject myself to some of the things I do? It’s hard to be vulnerable and expose yourself to so much, yet still keep a positive perspective and outlook. I may wear various titles, but I am still a human being, and when you are hurtful to another human being, they can bleed or break. As much as I hope I am never the cause of that to someone else, I know that isn’t always the case. And then I hurt to know I have hurt someone else, and I do what I can to fix it. I make mistakes, I know I've made many and will continue to unintentionally do so, and I try to learn from them. But to be on the receiving end of something, when you feel that hurt by the words, it can be difficult to move past it in your head.
I would love to be able to say that it’s not still bothering me, but it is, and it’s making me question everything. Why do I put myself in a position where this can happen? Is this still the right thing for me? Is it healthy for me emotionally to stay in this type of situation, or is it time to think about other options? And what are those options that would fulfill me as much as what I’m doing now?
I have a whole lot of questions swirling in my head, and not many answers right now, but as I write this at 9:20 this morning, I can be fairly certain that things will look differently six hours from now. And if they don’t, maybe it is time to think some more about what’s right for me.